So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
