I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
