I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
