I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
