Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
