Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
