Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
