So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She even gives head with a lisp.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
