John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
