The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
