his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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