Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
