I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
