96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
