Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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