im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
