I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
