You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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