I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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