I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
