She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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