I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
