at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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