what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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