I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Floor bacon is actually really good
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
