The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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