Yo dont text me then not text me
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
