I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
