i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There's always time for handjobs
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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