The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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