I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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