The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
then he tried to convert me to islam
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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