hotel room ftw
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
