I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
