Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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