oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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