my room smells like sperm. sweet.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
