I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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