why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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