If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
