please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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