Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
