Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
