quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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