i just wanna soil my oats bro
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
