I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
