the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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