it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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