you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
