the condom got lost in my hair
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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