so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
