from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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