So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
