omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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