Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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