I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
